


Chopped Up: A Cannibal Cooking Show

by FlightlessRaven08, Goosebait



Category: Dracula - Bram Stoker, Hannibal Lecter Series - All Media Types, Sweeney Todd - Sondheim/Wheeler, Total Drama (Cartoon)
Genre: Bad Cooking, Cannibalism, Chris McLean fucking dies at the end, Cooking, Crack, Crack Crossover, Hannibal contemplates death and existence in this terrible world crafted by Chris McLean, Mrs. Lovett murders an ice cream machine, Screenplay/Script Format, The Author Regrets Nothing, but they are cannibals so what did you expect?, dracula gets high off monster energy, hes a vampire, just let it happen, no beta we die like chris, sorry spoilers, we dont know how that works either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:40:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29049303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlightlessRaven08/pseuds/FlightlessRaven08, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goosebait/pseuds/Goosebait
Summary: Listen y'all, this is what happens when you let children on the internet. You're welcome, we're not sorry.(Hannibal Lecter, Dracula, and Mrs. Lovett go on a chopped style cooking show hosted by Chris McLean. Hijinks ensue.)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 2





	Chopped Up: A Cannibal Cooking Show

**Author's Note:**

> Raven: I feel like an explanation is owed, but I don't have one.
> 
> goose: i wish to be chris mclean

**Chris:** Hello hello hello wonderful contestants, and welcome to the first episode of Chopped up; Corona Madness!! This season will be just a little bit different, because, you know, deadly plagues and all that! Each chef will be cooking in this large kitchen, with absolutely no precautions taken for covid! At the beginning of each course, ingredients will be provided to them in baskets that they must use in the dish, or face the consequences. There will be three courses, appetizer, main course, and dessert! Now to meet our contestants!! 

_ (Announcer voice) _ Hailing from Transilvania, we have our very special guest, Alucard, one name wonder my dudes!! Even though I doubt that’s a real name! He claims to be descended from royalty and to have an encyclopedic knowledge of every way it is physically possible to cook a ‘pig’,  _ (normal voice) _ hold up, why’s pig in quotation marks? 

**Someone behind the camera:** Just read it. 

**Chris:** _(Announcer voice_ ) Our second contestant is the… I think that says lovely but I’m not sure I agree-

**Someone behind the camera:** Chris, you have one job.

**Chris:** Either way, it’s a woman named Mrs. Lovett. Blah, blah, blah, owns a pie shop, you get the gist. And our third… guy, is a man named Hannibal and, to be honest, I’m bored with this. Let’s get to the cooking so I can eat some food that wasn’t made by Chef. The challenge for the first course, our appetizer, will be a vegetarian dish of the chef’s choosing! Make it good guys!!!

**Background noise, probably from contestants:** _did he say vegetarian… i cant cook without meat… ugh i'm totally losing…._

_ (Camera cuts to contestants opening baskets)  _

**Chris:** Let’s see what they’ve got! The first item is… I have no idea what that is. Oh wait, it's super limpy lettuce leftover from last week! 

_ (Dracula holds up the lettuce, a very sad expression on his face) _

**Chris:** The second item is…… wait they're all struggling to lift it…. a rock ladies and gentlefolk! 

_ (Mrs. Lovett hits the side of her head with the rock a couple of times before giving it an approving nod) _

**Chris:** And the third item is… Why is there a baby in Hannibal’s basket? I did not put that there. Ok, give the baby to… someone. The third item is monster energy! 

**Someone behind the camera:** I’ll take the baby, I have no clue how he crawled in there.

_ (A brief pause as someone walks out and collects the baby from Hannibal.) _

**Chris:** The fourth and final item is….. a single orange slice! Finally a somewhat normal food item! Oh wait, nevermind it's moldy. Whatever. Let’s go!!! 

_ (Mrs. Lovett immediately makes a beeline for the ice cream machine and claims it. She gathers the ingredients she needs from the pantry and starts making a vanilla ice cream base, but instead of cream, monster.) _

_ (Interview setting)  _ **Mrs Lovett** : I’ve never really cooked anything except pies, and never without...totally regular meat, so I’m very excited to see how this goes! 

_ (Dracula shotguns the whole thing of monster energy, and burps. He walks to the pantry, holding the rock, which he accidentally drops on his foot, and swears loudly in Romanian) _

_ (Interview setting)  _ **Dracula** : I have no clue what I’m doing. 

_ (Hannibal gets out a blender, and heads to the pantry for oil, sugar and salt. He puts the lettuce and some monster energy in the bender and puts it on pulse)  _

_ (Interview setting)  _ **Hannibal:** _ (staring directly into the camera)  _ Whoever made this [bleep]ing basket, I will find you. 

_ (We are back to Mrs. Lovett, who puts the base gently in the ice cream machine, plops in the lettuce and the orange, then aggressively shoves in the rock inside and turns it on. It immediately starts screaming loudly in electronic pain)  _

_(Interview setting)_ **Mrs Lovett** : _(shrugs)_ It wasn't that bad compared to last week. 

_ (An image is placed on the screen of Mrs. Lovett, hair on fire and covered in soot, surrounded by the rubble of a now-destroyed building.) _

_ (Dracula is now lying on the floor, singing children's songs in a different language. Hannibal steps over him and ‘accidentally’ drops his rock on his face) _

**Hannibal:** _ (picks up the rock and goes about his business)  _ Oops.

_(Interview setting)_ **Dracula** : Everything is pain

_ (Hannibal slices the moldy spots off the orange, before coating it in a batter and pan-frying it) _

**Chris:** Wow, it actually seems like one of these dishes won't kill me!!

(Interview setting)  **Hannibal:** Who do these incompetent idiots think they are? 

_ (Cut to judging) _

**Chris:** So… I can only eat one of these.

_ (Hannibal’s orange slice is presented on top of the rock with the lettuce monster sauce drizzled artfully over it. ) _

**Chris:** _ (takes the tiniest bite ever) _ hm… uhuhhh… well surprisingly for all of us I think, this is not terrible! Might actually feed it to the racoons, or the campers! Not worthy of a second bite though. On to the next… thing...

_ (Dracula nervously presents the monster can, the orange and the lettuce shoved inside it, with the rock balancing precariously on the top) _

**Dracula:** May I say a little something about this family recipe?

**Chris:** Absolutely not!  _ (looks at it very judgingly) _ No. I'm not even giving that a second glance, let alone a first bite. 

_ (There is a loud clanging as Mrs. Lovett tries to drag the broken ice cream machine over to the judging table. With a groan, it falls over, pinning her to the ground, and she lets out a squawk.) _

**Mrs. Lovett:** I’m alive!

**Chris:** Well, given that Mrs. Lovett broke part of the super expensive rented equipment that I will have to sell my soul to afford, I think that means she is going hoooooome  _ (makes excessive air horn noises) _

_ (Interview setting)  _ **Mrs Lovett** : _ (in tears) _ I always try my best, and I don’t understand why I fail so often!

**Chris:** Alrighty, on to the next challenge, and try not to kill me this time! And the challenge is to make a fish fry! Any kind of fish! Swordfish, fish fish, you know the drill! And it's time to open up your baskets!

_ (Dracula and Hannibal open their baskets) _

**Chris:** And the first ingredient is… drumroll please… a shoelace? Wait, no, I think it’s a single piece of cooked spaghetti. 

_ (Hannibal looks disdainfully at the spaghetti, while Dracula plays with it like a cat with a string) _

**Chris:** Alrighty then, the second ingredient is…. drumroll…… 6 melted together Hershey’s kisses that look like they’ve been stuck to the bottom of a shoe for quite some time! 

_ (Hannibal is looking even more like he wants to die.) _

**Chris:** And the third ingredient is! That’s… that is literally a rusty nail. I am not looking forward to eating this, but, as Chef prepared the baskets, I am also not surprised. 

_ (Hannibal is now whacking his head against the counter, presumably trying to get the outside pain to match the inside. Dracula is no longer paying attention, but is muttering very creepily under his breath)  _

**Chris:** And our final ingredient is! Old movie theater popcorn! Yeah, I… can I get someone else to taste this one? No? ...Well, contestants, try your best not to get me killed, maybe just kill each other instea- THAT WAS A JOKE! 

_ (Camera cuts to Hannibal holding a cleaver over Dracula’s head. He sets it down and smooths out his apron, then looks back to Chris.) _

**Chris:** Don’t kill each other until you’re in a situation where I won’t be punished for it.  _ (Finger guns, then laughs nervously when there’s no response.)  _ Well, I guess the second challenge starts now. 

_ (Hannibal makes a beeline for the fish fridge. He picks up a huge salmon, carries it back to his station, and starts filleting it.) _

(Interview setting)  **Hannibal:** Life is pain, and I wish to be free of my suffering. Someone, free me from this mortal coil.

_ (Dracula has somehow managed to cover his station in blood, without any meat being on his station at all. Presumably from stabbing himself with the nail)  _

_ (Interview setting)  _ **Dracula:** My head feels like it's going to explode and I can feel the inside of my bones. That drink said it was for monsters, but drinking it? Bad idea. 

_ (Hannibal coats the fish in a breading, which includes the noodle smashed up, and the popcorn. He puts it in the fryer and starts about making a sauce with the chocolate and some spices) _

_(Interview setting)_ **Hannibal:** _(stares directly into the camera for several minutes and says nothing. Someone behind the camera laughs nervously and asks if he’s alright. He does not respond.)_

_ (Dracula has managed to acquire a fish, but since it is a single anchovy, it's probably not going to do him any favors. He stabs it several times with the nail, covers it in the unidentified blood, and rolls it in the popcorn. He then ties the noodle around it, like it's a tiny, terrible present) _

**Dracula:** _ (To the fish)  _ Shh, shh, it’ll all be over soon. Tell my father I hate him. 

_(Interview setting)_ **Dracula:** I never talk to fish. That’s a stupid question, why would you ask that? Talking to fish is my… _least_ favorite thing to do.

_ (Hannibal is now staring at the rusty nail in silence. He shakes his head, then pulls sandpaper out of nowhere and starts trying to sand off the rust) _

_ (Interview setting)  _ **Hannibal:** _ (Continues to sit in silence and stare at the camera, after several minutes of this, he shakes his head, then returns to sitting in silence without moving)  _

_ (Dracula smashes the chocolate with his rock from the previous round, and sprinkles it on top of the still uncooked anchovy. He looks sadly down at the anchovy, and pats it's tiny head gently) _

_ (Interview setting)  _ **Dracula:** _ (starts crying a little bit)  _ Fish are friends, not food! 

**Chris:** Annnnnd, time is up, my dudes!

_ (Cut to judging) _

_ (Chris stares at Dracula, then at his dish, as described in the past, then back at Dracula. He does this several times while Dracula shifts uncomfortably.) _

**Dracula:** Do you like it?

**Chris:** _ (Looks at Dracula with traumatizing levels of disappointment.)  _ No.

**Dracula:** Oh…

**Chris:** Yeah you’re going home, sorry not sorry my dude! But let’s try Hannibal's food first! Hey, did you realize that your name rhymes with cannibal? 

**Hannibal** :  _ (Stares him dead in the eyes.) _ I never noticed. 

**Chris** : Ooooookay then! Let’s try your dish that might not kill me!  _ (takes a quark sized bite of the fish filet, with the nail stabbed artfully through it, and the sauce elegantly drizzled on top)  _ Hmmm. Quite…. Interesting. Not gonna say it's good my dude, but probably won't kill me, so, you win! Wait… wasn’t there supposed to be another round?

**Someone behind the camera:** HAVE YOU EVER EVEN WATCHED AN EPISODE OF YOUR OWN SHOW???

**Chris:** Haha nope! Let’s just make the last round a winner takes all! Get Mrs. Lovett back in here!

**Somebody behind the camera** : And here we all thought there was a specific reason you had three contestants this time instead of four. Nope! You’re just an idiot!  _ (continues ranting at Chris until the scene changes, and all three of them are back behind new baskets) _

_ (Mrs. Lovett looks thrilled, while Hannibal just stares murderously at his basket and Dracula is sprawled over his own basket rambling on about how drinks shouldn’t be advertised for monsters if they make him able to see through the government to the truth of the Illuminati)  _

**Chris:** Now, I don’t remember what this round was supposed to be, but it’s the dessert round, so just make a dessert. Now! Open! Your! Baaaskeeeeeets!  _ (more excessive airhorn noises _ ) 

_ (They open their baskets, and each one pulls out a different, gleaming knife. They glance at each other, and then move in sync.) _

**Chris:** Wait, why are you all moving towards me? Uh, stay back! Someone! Help m-

_ (The screen cuts to black and a message is displayed: _

_ Sorry for the inconvenience, but this show has  _

_ been permanently canceled due to  _

_ circumstances beyond our control. _

_ Good day and condolences. _


End file.
